A few quotes from my brother’s favorite comedian.
– I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
– I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. “Oh, you’re a king, you say? Well you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It’s to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your lady friend, too!”
– I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
– An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
– I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
– Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. “Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis”…one of those two doesn’t sound right.
From The Laugh Track